Welcome to Coldharbour: An [un]Helpful guide to your first 3 levels in ESO

So, you’ve decided to vacation in Coldharbour have you? There’s no better place to get away from the troubles of Tamriel like this little slice of Oblivion. Just take a whiff of that musty, foul draft beneath your cell door. Breathtaking, isn’t it?  And while you may already be dead, soulless, and subject to unspeakable horrors, there is so much more of Coldharbour to enjoy! So come along and join us on this unauthorized tour of Oblivion’s little darling,

“Hi, I’m Tour Guide Lyris! Keep your hands, arms, and vital organs inside the carriage at all times. And please, no flash cartography.”

Before we get started, you’ll want to break out of your cell. We’ve sent our seasoned tour guide, Lyris to your door to help with your escape. This striking warrior from the distant tundra of Skyrim is no Nord-inary woman, she was once one of the Five Companions and bodyguard to Emperor Aquilarios. She came to our shores as a guest, but is now an integral member of our hospitality staff. Lyris generously provides every one of our guests with their very own souvenir great sword, useful when those skeletal guards show too much enthusiasm for their responsibilities.

Before leaving our five star dungeon you may want to spend a few hours with a complimentary masseuse at our luxury day spa. In Coldharbour we do more than simply relieve the tension in your muscles from a long day spent shoeing horses or folding iron, we remove that troublesome tissue completely from the bone! You’ll feel the stress just melt away as our highly trained specialists use “burning embers therapy” on every square inch of your road-weary frame.

“Care to join me for a bite to eat?”

While there’s plenty to do in Coldharbour solo, this vacation hub is so popular you’re bound to find a friend or two as you exit the dungeon and make your way through our artfully manicured landscaping. Beholding the captivating crags and fallow shores in hues of eerie blue and depressing gray is twice as nice when you have a new companion to share it with! But be careful, some of our guests have been staying with us for so long they may be far hungrier for your company than you are for theirs.*

Looking for a little romance? You may find it here! And don’t worry, what happens in Coldharbour, stays in Coldharbour. Mostly because we don’t let you leave!

*(Offers to join other Coldharbour guests for dinner are at the visitor’s discretion. Coldharbour and it’s affiliates cannot be held liable for loss of appetite, sanity, limb, or life while consorting with veteran members of our illustrious resort. Please socialize responsibly).

As the endless night gives way to… more night you may want to consider one of the entertainment options we offer in Coldharbour. There’s uh, this guy who plays a lute with a pot on his head. (I really hope that’s not a chamber pot he’s wearing.) Caldwell’s one of our oldest staff members, and while his fashion sense may be questionable, his lack of sanity is never in doubt!

Or enjoy a theatrical performance of light, sound and daedric portals by none other than the troubadour formally known as “The Prophet.” You may also remember him as the lead singer from “Varen and the Argonian Maidservants,” a popular band of traveling minstrels on the Daggerfall tavern circuit from several years ago. If you stay for the finale, you may catch a glimpse of your tour guide Lyris on stage and get a special one on one with “The Prophet.” After the show he’ll lead you through a private tour backstage, where you’ll get a first look at Molag Bal’s revolutionary plans for brining that Coldharbour charm to the rest of Tamriel, the Dark Anchor Initiative, or “DAI” for short.

“Y’all come back now!”

And that concludes our exclusive look at the lesser known features of the critically acclaimed Coldharbour spa and resort. We’d like to thank all our guests for generously providing us with fresh souls to fuel our Dark Anchor Initiative as we bring the amenities of Oblivion to Tamriel for all to enjoy. Be sure to tell your friends about our lovely corner of Oblivion, and if you ever manage to escape, we hope you’ll come back the next time you need a break from everyday life.